Problems With Bullying 

Recently my seven year old has encountered bullies at her school. Which I figure was unavoidable because kids are mean. She has been coming home in tears, and an emotional wreck. She says that she's being left out and ignored during lunch and recess. My daughter usually always tells the truth. Or maybe since I have showed her that I trust her so much, she took advantage of me. Now as a child I was bullied, and my parents taught me to give them a dose of their own medicine. I am aware that everyone has their own opinions when it comes to bullying and how to handle it. I know that bullying can help develop character to an extent. I guess it depends on the child, and the extent of the bullying. Either way it's bad and not allowed in my household. I will embed it into their heads that they are not allowed to bully. I know there are better ways to handle bullies. I was unsure how to approach the problem as it is a first for me. My first instinct was to inform her to treat them the way they treated her. I should have contacted the faculty first, I realize that teachers can't be everywhere twenty four seven. And it doesn't always solve the issue. It could unintentionally make the situation worse. She claimed this bully was constantly touching her glasses and manipulating her to take them off and insisted she let her try them on. Or they would no longer be friends with her. Her glasses were then broken. Kids will be kids. Destroying someone else's property? A big no no. As parents, it's our responsibility to guide and correct this behavior so that it doesn't escalate to more negative problems in the future. You know when they are teens and can cause serious trouble. She had caught me in a bad mood, and in that moment I was so flustered that someone was upsetting my kid that I went about it in the wrong way. I told her to curse at her if she didn't stop and she continued to pester her. Only if after asking her a million times to stop didn't make her stip. I realize now that wasn't the best idea. She's only seven. I will not make that mistake again. I told her to say one curse word, She went and said five thousand of them. I don't condone bullying, name calling, violent or disrespectful behavior but I am also not going to let my kids get walked on or physically hurt, they will know how to defend themselves and hopefully it doesn't come to that. Sone kids need knocked off of their high horse if you will. They will also know how to deescalate a situation with kindness and reasoning. And that should be the goal every time. The girl's family member showed up at my door trying to tell me how to raise my kids. it really angered me how much he was talking down to me. I know that I am not perfect, I am far from it. I am learning as I go. Parenting is all about trial and error. I didn't have good role models growing up. I know what I know and I try to educate myself on the rest. I also want to create a strong confident daughter who can stand up for herself in a positive way, and not be torn down easily by words, emotionally fragile, if you will. She is already so sensitive, more so than normal. She wears her heart on her sleeve. She also started a new medication that could be contributing to her behavior. I have suggested writing her feelings down in a diary to help her cope with what she is feeling. I have suggested walking away from the situation when she becomes angry. Smelling the roses and blowing out the birthday candles. (taking deep breaths) I have written out charts and hung them up on the wall along with solutions that she can try to help her regulate her emotions. I don't know how else to help her. I don't know how to teach kindness, or empathy. I realized that these are modeled in everyday encounters. I need to step up and start modeling these behaviors for them. It's kind of hard to do that when I never get out of my house. I am going to start within the household. The goal is to say two kind things to each other everyday. And that will model kindness. I will start working on praising them more on their good behaviors and not just tuning Into the bad behaviors. Apparently only tuning into the bad behavior makes their bad behavior intensify because they will crave attention even if it is negative. I have learned a lot about child development, but the emotional development will always be a road bump for me. I will not give up on trying to help them mature emotionally and become well adjusted adults. 

How did you handle any bully experiences? 

PS It turned out that my daughter was lying and the girl never touched her glasses. I felt like a fool. I made her apologize to the girl and her bus driver. We had a very long conversation about lying and blaming others to get out of a situation. And that no matter how bad something is, or what you have done, you should always tell the truth and accept the consequences of your actions. Communication is also a rocky topic for me, that's for another time. 

Parenting a Child With ADHD Is Not For The Weak

It takes a lot of patience and understanding. Parenting a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder requires a lot of effort. Researching the symptoms and understanding the diagnosis is really helpful as well. I never realized that kids with ADHD were impulsive, or lie to get out of trouble. For awhile I questioned my parenting skills. I kept asking what am I doing wrong? What do I need to change? Someone suggested he get checked for it, all of the problems were fitting the checklist's. My son has ADHD, and he is on medication for it. It is the perfect dose for him, I know a lot of people are against medication for this diagnosis, because they are afraid of the side effects. But I can tell a huge difference when he is on it compared to when he is not. When he is not on it, he has a really hard time controlling his emotions. He is really impulsive, and whiny about everything.  And he feels every emotion hard, big big emotions. He can be really overtired and overstimulated. When he is on his medication, he is the complete opposite. It helps him get better grades and focus a lot more. We must remind ourselves to be patient with our young ones that have this diagnosis, because they are not misbehaving on purpose. It affects the cognitive behaviors, causes mood swings, behavioral problems, and their ability to learn. Patience is a virtue when it comes to parenting. Children are learning too. They are not born with all of the knowledge, experience, or wisdom that we have. Like I always tell my husband, they didn't have to grow up fast like we did, they are not constantly in survival mode. So you cannot have the same expectations as you had to uphold at their age. You were more mature because you had to be. They are kids who get to be kids in a safe environment. They are going to be ungrateful at times, they are not going to understand finances or paying bills. But just because our problems are different than theirs, does not mean that they aren't overwhelmed and stressed out about a math quiz, or their room being dirty. They are tiny humans who need us, lets be the parent we wished we had growing up. 

There's Something About Baby Number Three 

I had my first two kids eleven months apart when I was 20 and 21. So it was kind of like having twins, except one baby was older. I still had two car seats, two diapers to change, two bottles to fill, to babies to hold and love. And of course they grew to love each other and become best of friends. (But they do fight like an old married couple.) My son was a month old when I was pregnant with my daughter, therefore in my eyes I had already had two babies at once. And I can't remember what it was like to only have one baby. I had to share myself and stretch my attention thin. And I never could find a balance. I always felt like I was giving one baby more attention than the other. And I despised that, I did my best to make it equal amongst the two of them. And my heart was overjoyed with love for them. My family was complete. Then I had my third baby, and I got to experience the baby stage after eight years of experiencing the infant to toddler to kid. I had forgotten almost everything about having a tiny baby around. The sleepless nights, the skipping showers, the squeezing all of the chores into nap time. But I also forgot about the sweet cuddles, the first smiles, the milestones, the cute little giggles. Then I remembered how fast they grow up and how you never get to grieve and miss how little they were because they're replaced with this new version of themselves. And you grow to love them more and more everyday. The older they get the more firsts you begin to experience. Every age has different things that you get to experience. I had no idea what I was doing with my first two. I'm sure no one really does, unless of course they were awesome and read parenting books or had taken some classes. I didn't go that route because I was so confident that I could do it on my own. Boy was I wrong, and in for a rude awakening. It takes a lot of patience, understanding, self control and personal changes to be a parent. Especially when you come from a broken home and or childhood. Kids hit a lot milestones. And they need to be taught everything, from rolling over to how to ride a bike. I myself thought that a lot of things wouldn't need to be taught, but they do. And I guess that might come from my experience of having to learn from experience rather than my parents teaching me. I feel like I got another chance to do it right with my third, not that I messed up with my first two; but they grew up with me and was learning just as much as  I was. I made some mistakes and didn't agree with my parenting style. I wasn't as patient with certain things as I am now. For example I didn't know that opening up a door using a door handle was considered a milestone. And the children have to be so old to accomplish it. I would get so frustrated at small things like that. And I didn't know how to help them or teach them to regulate their emotions. Only when I realized that I needed to regulate mine first. If you're calm then they are calm. They can sense your emotions and energy. Kids like mirrors will mimick your emotions. Babies need calm, safe warm happy environments. With full bellies, dry bottoms and warm clothes, they are happy. They also need brain stimulation, babies get board. A little bit of play time a few times throughout the day could help. You can always research age appropriate playtime ideas. The internet can be a great place to start. Or mommy groups if you're a social butterfly. Babies and kids also need routine and structure. Creating a routine for your little one will ensure that they are happy. And here's a big one for me that I didn't know, talk to your baby. All day, tell them what you're doing, "we're changing your diaper," "we're putting on your clothes." It really helps language development. I didn't talk at all to my two children and they didn't talk until they were three. I talked to my third baby and she started talking at 1. Also I give props to Ms. Rachel. Songs for littles. She watched that and I feel as if it really helped her develop language skills. 
I also learnt that letting them do things independently helps their brains develop. It can help with self confidence, independence and they won't be as fearful to try new things. Things are different this time around, I was more knowledgeable and experienced. I have grown, and I hope this helps someone too. 

Put Yourself In Their Shoes

I believe that youll never really know how to emotionally handle a situation until you go through it yourself. some people learn best through personal experience. You can give advice or take advice on a situation, but until you go through it yourself; you'll never truly know the best advice to give. Because you can't walk in their shoes until you actually experience it in your own shoes. And I can't believe how many people take offense to certain advice.(at least this didn't happen blah blah) My advice comes from the heart and with good intentions. But I guess not everyone takes it the same way. I've come to realize that you respect a person more when you experience similar incidents. It gives you the chance to bond over what happened, and build a friendships Now you understand how they must have felt, and can share experiences.That's how friendships work, mutual respect and understanding of each other. 
I've been trying to teach my children about empathy. That they should try to understand how others would feel if they were in their shoes. Every time they upset someone or each other, I always say, how would you feel if they were doing that to you? I have also tried to create scenarios to try and help them understand and see it from an outside point of view. My goal is to teach them how to empathize with others so that they're friendships and relationships strive in the future. Of course they're seven and eight. But hey start them young. 



Houseold Chores, Gender Specific or basic Responsibility?

This is a very popular and touchy topic amongst couples. A lot of relationships crumble when the workload is one sided. I believe that chores are an adult responsibility and not gender specific to the woman. What do you do when you live alone? Hire a female maid to cook and clean for you? No. You do it yourself.  Now some could argue, "what's a wife for then?" I'll tell you, she isn't your mother. That's for sure. She's your partner and she needs a better half. Not another child to raise. Regardless of who works and who doesn't, it's your home together, and it needs to be treated as such. You both are residing there and teamwork is everything. Me personally, I don't mind doing all of the chores alone, I know I am contradicting myself right now. But I do. I have no hobbies outside of being a mother and a wife. But sometimes I would like help without having to babysit the whole task. I can understand if the couple had assigned each other certain responsibilities. And the chores were going to be her job one hundred percent of the time due to him working full time and her staying home. To each it's own, but a lot of grown men believe that woman belong in the kitchen. And let me tell you men something, at least from my perspective, you would get a lot more in the bedroom if you stepped up in the kitchen. And the bathroom, front room, dining room. Wherever it may be. Women want help. But we hate asking for it. It causes us more stress to have to delegate a task to you, by the time we were finished explaining to you what and how to do it, we could have completed the task. Now I'm not saying that all men are like this. I know that there are men out there who go above and beyond for their women and families. And props to you my friend. You deserve the world and more. I know that men carry a lot of the mental load, but so do women. You don't think that we don't have a million things going on in our heads? What's for all three meals for that day? What do the kids have to wear to school? Did they do their homework? Laundry done? Did I pack their lunch? Is the dog/cat taken care of? Are the dishes done? Bathroom cleaned? Kids showered? Kids feel loved? Etc. When did she have time for herself? While she was busy taking care of everyone else? Who's taking care of HER? And if the finances are on the woman too, that's another responsibility for her to think about. Did this get paid? Especially if your man isn't providing like he should. Also doctors appointments, who's making sure everyone sees a doctor or the dentist? Her? Yeah. Thought so. Take something off of our to do list fellas. Learn your woman's love language rather it be touch, acts of service, etc. Learn how she likes things to be done. If she's picky about how towels are folded, I know I am. But I don't complain I just redo it when he's not looking. Lol. Get to know her inside and out. Put the effort in, give her your undivided attention like you do to your video games. Or phone. If you care show it. There are many priceless ways to show a woman that you care. That cost nothing but your time. We don't need jewlrey, or flowers although they are nice, the right woman wants your time and attention. Don't make excuses like I'm tired, I worked all day, I don't know where anything is or goes. Then expect us to have the energy to satisfy your needs later. We're tired too. You know? You doing some chores is our foreplay. The secret to life. 
Regardless marriage is a partnership and everything should be done together, and you should co exist instead of just living together. That causes the roommate stage. Which is really bad for your marriage and can cause you to drift apart from each other. Communication is key. Always communicate with problem solving in your mind, and take the time to listen and understand each other. Don't put blame on each other, or bring up past mistakes. Try to praise each other when things do go right. And make time for each other. And get off of your phone. Spend some face to face, no interruptions. Talk about everything and anything. Appreciate them, because tomorrow is never promised and life is too short to spend it angry at someone. Forgive the little things. Set goals together, as a couple and as a family. Don't give up on each other. If they're worth it, stay and work hard to make it work. Relationships now adays are insane to me. Of course I haven't been single since 2014, but I definitely believe in till death do you part.